I spent this evening working on a self-portrait in the studio and came home only to find that I brought most of the charcoal with me....
Working on a self-portrait is so much more difficult than I thought. The process has been a veritable seesaw of emotions. Before beginning, I was scared. I actually feel like there is some pressure and expectation that comes from a self portrait. What if I can't see myself accurately? Or what if I just don't like what I see? Once I started, it was frustrating when I wasn't seeing my own face emerge as quickly as I might have liked. However, I found a groove with the charcoal, and soon I was surprising myself with how quickly and satisfactorily it was coming along.
I worked uninterrupted for hours. I had music on and was shamelessly belting and dancing along. That's kind of my happy place: puttering along doing something I'm passionate about.
Eventually I hit a wall, though. I began to fixate on certain features, as well as get frustrated with the entire method that I'm using. I started doubting myself, and my deep-seated insecurities about my appearance seemed to be manifesting themselves in the areas of frustration I was seeing in my portrait. I haven't been insecure about my appearance in years. I mean, sure, I have bad hair days and acne, but I found my peace with my body and am proud to say that I feel comfortable in my own skin.
The irritation I was feeling with my appearance in my self portrait made me feel like a middle schooler again. Remember that? My teeth weren't straight enough, my stomach not flat enough, my face not thin enough, my hair not bouncy enough... The list goes on. I forgot how scary it is to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. If you don't feel comfortable there, where can you feel safe?
This all makes me think of some middle schoolers I was talking to today. I sat with them for a good long while, and it felt so good to hear them out and give them any and all advice I could throw at them. It's such a full-circle kind of thing, mentoring middle schoolers. They remind me just how recent all of that was for me, while also reminding me how much I've grown. And that makes me want to help them grow as much as possible too.
These two girls told me about cliquey-ness in their grade. God, I remember that. I remember "the Populars", groups like "the Fab Four", and most of all, feeling like an outcast. That was such a miserable time for me, and yet now I feel quite happy. What happened?
I learned to love myself. I guess that's my advice to anyone struggling with mean people and isolation. Focus on yourself for a while. Focus on you and your real friends. Learn to love yourself. Do the things you like to do, not what you think other people want you to do. Try new things. I promise that you will surprise yourself at least once. And most importantly, talk to someone about it all. Doesn't have to be someone your age, in your grade, or even someone you see regularly. Don't bottle it up. I promise there is someone out there who would love to listen to what you have to say. And if you don't believe me, I can be that someone for you. Gladly.
Much love.
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