Stringing the little things together

Today I opened a time capsule dated June 3rd, 2009. Four years ago, I thought of where I sit now. Four years ago, I thought it would be a good idea to leave myself a video. Today, I am so glad that I did that. 

The first still image I saw as the unused DVD whirred to life was shocking. My face was shorter, my cheeks more chipmunk'd, my hoop earrings wildly indicative of which sartorial phase I was going through, and my chin sporting one of my mythical mountain-zits. Little-me even said something funny about this reaction: "Wow, it's been four years since you had to see this in the mirror."

I was terrified to watch this video. I remembered snippets of incriminating things I said, and knew to wince when I brought up stale crushes and silly eighth grade inside jokes. I ended up surprised. Although I've changed–I've lived–I'm still very much the same. That feeling is... stabilizing. It reminds me that my feet have been, are, and will likely continue to be on the ground.

I've changed quite a bit. My voice isn't as... well, middle school-ish. I'm a better singer. I don't want to go to Berklee anymore. I promise myself now that I will never work at American Eagle Outfitters if I can help it. My skin doesn't rebel against me anymore. My hair doesn't fall in my eyes, nor do my braces inhabit my mouth. 

I'm still the same in so many ways. I'm still sassy. I still roll my eyes and laugh at my own lame jokes. I get caught up in the beauty of the world around me just as I did back then. I still want to see the world and fall in love. I really love that girl who left me a video.

I found myself chuckling at my own uncertainty at the path ahead. I had no idea what the next four years of my life were going to be like--they were this big blank in my mind at the time. Funny how I kind of feel the same way now. I marveled at how much about me would change: how I'd feel, who I'd meet, what I'd do. 

There was so much ahead of me then, and there is so much ahead of me now. That's a nice feeling. 

I've been sad about graduating. That much is clear from my previous posts. This week, however, I find that I've reached the point at which I'm ready. I wasn't ready two weeks ago, but I'm ready now. My school is really easing me out of here, and I have no inclination to stop them.

I'm feeling the closure. I've come full circle in so many ways.  I've learned that I have to move on. I've learned how to say goodbye.

Tomorrow is my last day of high school. It feels so fucking good to type those words. My CAQ (application for a study permit in Quebec) was passed today. The red carpet to my future is unrolling before my eyes. It starts on the graduation stage. Who knows where it will lead? 

I'm ready to take those steps.

I'm Starting with the (wo)Man in the Mirror

I spent this evening working on a self-portrait in the studio and came home only to find that I brought most of the charcoal with me....

Working on a self-portrait is so much more difficult than I thought. The process has been a veritable seesaw of emotions. Before beginning, I was scared. I actually feel like there is some pressure and expectation that comes from a self portrait. What if I can't see myself accurately? Or what if I just don't like what I see? Once I started, it was frustrating when I wasn't seeing my own face emerge as quickly as I might have liked. However, I found a groove with the charcoal, and soon I was surprising myself with how quickly and satisfactorily it was coming along.

I worked uninterrupted for hours. I had music on and was shamelessly belting and dancing along. That's kind of my happy place: puttering along doing something I'm passionate about.

Eventually I hit a wall, though. I began to fixate on certain features, as well as get frustrated with the entire method that I'm using. I started doubting myself, and my deep-seated insecurities about my appearance seemed to be manifesting themselves in the areas of frustration I was seeing in my portrait. I haven't been insecure about my appearance in years. I mean, sure, I have bad hair days and acne, but I found my peace with my body and am proud to say that I feel comfortable in my own skin.

The irritation I was feeling with my appearance in my self portrait made me feel like a middle schooler again. Remember that? My teeth weren't straight enough, my stomach not flat enough, my face not thin enough, my hair not bouncy enough... The list goes on. I forgot how scary it is to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. If you don't feel comfortable there, where can you feel safe?

This all makes me think of some middle schoolers I was talking to today. I sat with them for a good long while, and it felt so good to hear them out and give them any and all advice I could throw at them. It's such a full-circle kind of thing, mentoring middle schoolers. They remind me just how recent all of that was for me, while also reminding me how much I've grown. And that makes me want to help them grow as much as possible too.

These two girls told me about cliquey-ness in their grade. God, I remember that. I remember "the Populars", groups like "the Fab Four", and most of all, feeling like an outcast. That was such a miserable time for me, and yet now I feel quite happy. What happened?

I learned to love myself. I guess that's my advice to anyone struggling with mean people and isolation. Focus on yourself for a while. Focus on you and your real friends. Learn to love yourself. Do the things you like to do, not what you think other people want you to do. Try new things. I promise that you will surprise yourself at least once. And most importantly, talk to someone about it all. Doesn't have to be someone your age, in your grade, or even someone you see regularly. Don't bottle it up. I promise there is someone out there who would love to listen to what you have to say. And if you don't believe me, I can be that someone for you. Gladly.

Much love.