Stringing the little things together

Today I opened a time capsule dated June 3rd, 2009. Four years ago, I thought of where I sit now. Four years ago, I thought it would be a good idea to leave myself a video. Today, I am so glad that I did that. 

The first still image I saw as the unused DVD whirred to life was shocking. My face was shorter, my cheeks more chipmunk'd, my hoop earrings wildly indicative of which sartorial phase I was going through, and my chin sporting one of my mythical mountain-zits. Little-me even said something funny about this reaction: "Wow, it's been four years since you had to see this in the mirror."

I was terrified to watch this video. I remembered snippets of incriminating things I said, and knew to wince when I brought up stale crushes and silly eighth grade inside jokes. I ended up surprised. Although I've changed–I've lived–I'm still very much the same. That feeling is... stabilizing. It reminds me that my feet have been, are, and will likely continue to be on the ground.

I've changed quite a bit. My voice isn't as... well, middle school-ish. I'm a better singer. I don't want to go to Berklee anymore. I promise myself now that I will never work at American Eagle Outfitters if I can help it. My skin doesn't rebel against me anymore. My hair doesn't fall in my eyes, nor do my braces inhabit my mouth. 

I'm still the same in so many ways. I'm still sassy. I still roll my eyes and laugh at my own lame jokes. I get caught up in the beauty of the world around me just as I did back then. I still want to see the world and fall in love. I really love that girl who left me a video.

I found myself chuckling at my own uncertainty at the path ahead. I had no idea what the next four years of my life were going to be like--they were this big blank in my mind at the time. Funny how I kind of feel the same way now. I marveled at how much about me would change: how I'd feel, who I'd meet, what I'd do. 

There was so much ahead of me then, and there is so much ahead of me now. That's a nice feeling. 

I've been sad about graduating. That much is clear from my previous posts. This week, however, I find that I've reached the point at which I'm ready. I wasn't ready two weeks ago, but I'm ready now. My school is really easing me out of here, and I have no inclination to stop them.

I'm feeling the closure. I've come full circle in so many ways.  I've learned that I have to move on. I've learned how to say goodbye.

Tomorrow is my last day of high school. It feels so fucking good to type those words. My CAQ (application for a study permit in Quebec) was passed today. The red carpet to my future is unrolling before my eyes. It starts on the graduation stage. Who knows where it will lead? 

I'm ready to take those steps.